You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So. Much. Porn.
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