I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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