i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
