can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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