I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
