Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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