I think my fart just growled at me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
