you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
