If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
