I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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