all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
