well he's currently spooning the coffee table
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Randomize
