Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm like, not good at living.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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