The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
