I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
