Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this just has baby written all over it
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
