I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
