You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
