Tell her she can't have a vagina
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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