If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
