You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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