somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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