no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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