mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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