I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
