make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
