Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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