Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
