Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
