at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is Oprah even human
Damn victory sex feels great
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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