just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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