A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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