How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
