I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
