i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
