My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
