My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
