Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
