I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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