help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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