Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
