Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
