YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
