I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize