Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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