I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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