Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
