Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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