party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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