Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
