brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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