I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
