you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
