Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
