thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
