"it" just moved
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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