i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
