I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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