She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize