My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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